That moment

jitters, experience, and worth all rolled into one - no more no less

That moment

Just when my matter is called out

And I am about to present my case in court,

Framing sentences in my head

To articulate what needs to be said

What needs to be heard by the judges

The palpitating nerves attack,

Demanding clarity, precision and poise.

(Monochromatic water colour painting with left-over paints on the palette on 300 gsm paper)

All the time invested, spent and wasted

Files consumed and absorbed,

Several versions of drafts,

Judgments researched and read

Discussions heard and held…

It’s a test of my fortitude,

My hard work is being accounted for.

Examination of my strengths,

Was all of it worth it

(Sketch with micron pen and white gel pen on toned paper)

After those years, if I am unable to

Convince, present or fight it out…

Pressure crippling my mind.

Are the jitters worth it?

Was the experience worth the wait?

Impress, be heard and understood

Respond succinctly, with conviction

Redirect their attention elsewhere

Bring them within the fold of my arguments.

An opening salvo is expected,

Every time, all the time

Out of this pulsating and crushing mess

That is moving my body forward

To argue my client’s case.

There is no consistency,

There cannot be…

When you are expected to condense your experience

In those snippets of time capsules

Available to you,

My mind knows and understands that,

But my thoughts differ,

That anxious cavity at the pit of my belly,

Rising, writhing and curling towards my heart,

It persists,

Till I finally speak up,

Zone in on what the opponent and the judge(s) are saying

Concentrating and straining to listen,

Lest a nuance, a hint or the meaning behind a question,

Statement or observation from the judge

Or other lawyers go unnoticed.

My subconscious is still freaking out,

My mind is still actively shutting it out,

To focus on what is important…

The client doesn’t suffer,

The court and the bar don’t judge my competence,

Based on those mere minutes of speech, pauses and chosen silence.

These minutes that are determining

Whether my years in the profession

Reflected entirely in the way I handled the matter

That single hearing, argument and plea,

Did it convince me…

Did it inspire confidence…

That I am worth it.

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Thank you for reading! Professional and personal are seldom separated by our bodies, even if our minds recognise the divide. I would love to hear if you had any similar thoughts/ experiences as shared in the poem…